Boston Red Sox Audition For Duck Dynasty

by Chris Moran | Posted on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2013
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Red Sox Beards

After a hard-fought ALCS in which they downed the Detroit Tigers four games to two, the Boston Red Sox had a few days off before World Series play begins this Wednesday.  

This Monday, several members of the Olde Towne Team ducked down (pun possibly intended) to Monroe Louisiana, home of Duck Commander, and the television show based on that successful business, Duck Dynasty. Having heard that the popular reality television series was considering adding one or more new members to its cast, members of the Red Sox decided to audition.

Which members of the Red Sox would have a chance at getting a callback?

Jonny Gomes and David Ross might do well if they auditioned together. I think Uncle Si would admire the streaks of gray in Ross’ beard. Also, Ross would score points with the Robertson family for his southern ties. However, if word came out that the duo were into gator hunting, Duck Commander CEO Willie would probably say something alone the lines of, “This is Duck Dynasty, not Swamp People.” Also, Gomes is from California, I don’t know how well that would go over.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia wouldn’t stand a chance, his name is just too hard to pronounce. Maybe if he had a cool nickname, his odds of getting a part would improve. Unfortunately, he goes by Salty, which is pretty boring. And he has weird dye streaks in his hair.

Dustin Pedroia is a scrappy little guy, it seems like he would be able to handle himself in the outdoors. He’s probably too fidgety to sit in a deer stand for too long. He does have a weird fascination with Bigfoot. That should work in his favor.

Mike Napoli has the most impressive beard. He might be able to hold his own with the Robertson men.

Ryan Dempster is Canadian, but his laid-back demeanor might win him a spot on the show. He probably knows how to hunt moose.

Jon Lester is an avid hunter and outdoorsman, but he’s really lacking in the beard department. His fellow Red Sox really got a head start on him.

Mike Carp‘s beard is patchy around the cheeks, good luck with that. His teammates have complained about the difficulty in tugging on his beard when he hits a home run. Fortunately for them, he’s hit just one home run since June 15.

The Robertson family commented on how heavily-bearded Oakland Athletics outfielder and former member of the Red Sox, Josh Reddickwould be a great addition to the show, but unfortunately he was too busy with his golf game to audition.

Between the Robertson family and the Boston Red Sox, it’s been a good year for overgrown beards. It would really be something if the two groups got together.

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Chris Moran
About the Author

Chris Moran is a second-year law student and assistant baseball coach at Washington University in St. Louis. He played baseball at Wheaton College where he donned the tools of ignorance. You can follow Chris on Twitter @hangingslurves.







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